Dear Valued Supplier,
Thank you for your quarterly newsletter. It showed up in my email just yesterday, minutes after the monthly statement, and not long before the important reminder about the scheduled maintenance you’re doing this weekend.
The daily reminders about your annual conference are also arriving without delay, and I am pleased to report the pricing increase letter has found its way safely to my hands. I should also thank you for the unsolicited copy of your annual report – my, that’s a bruiser!
I am always happy to provide insights about your services but I think we can start reducing the number of automated requests for feedback, and the subsequent note from your service team reminding me to rate 
them a ten. Could you look into that?
As nice as it is to hear from you by telephone, I really need to focus now on getting some work done, and I do hope Amanda isn’t too insulted that I have blocked her number as she is not easy to convince that I don’t need help with the application. It is nice that she tries both my desk and mobile numbers – what a go-getter she is. Quite a treasure.
You can stop sending me twice-weekly reminders to review and confirm my understanding of the updated Terms of Service. I know it says to disregard the message if I’ve already accepted the terms, but really, I think it’s a bit much. Please find a way to identify me as having clicked the little box.
Your application is always a treat to use, but is there a way we can turn off the in-product reminders to buy the modules I have repeatedly reminded Amanda I am not going to purchase any time soon? If you could help with that, I would be most grateful. Oh, and while I have you, I probably won’t vote for your podcast because I have unsubscribed due to the constant emails reminding me to vote for you.
It’s great that your entire sales team wants to connect on LinkedIn, but I believe I have made my position clear to them about why that is not going to happen. Ever.
I think your social media manager may be having a nervous breakdown; I’m not sure your Twitter followers need to be updated hourly. There just isn’t that much to say and she’s kind of reaching. I hope you can understand why I have had to unfollow you.
Also, Alan should stop calling me. I don’t think he understands that I’m already a customer and just because I downloaded a white paper from your website does not mean I am interested in having his babies. I have set up a junk mail rule for his account and will be seeking a restraining order on Monday if your loyalty team does not stop calling about a reference.
In fact, I wish you would all piss off so I can actually get something done.
By the way, my name is Elizabeth, and if I were truly your valued customer you would know that. Go $#%* yourselves.
Sincerely,
Your Under-valued customer
Next week, we’ll discuss why marketing needs to do something about people like me.
Related Posts:
Algorithms & Blues in the Obscurocratic Empire
The Favour of a Reply is Requested
Interesting Things I Found This Week:
This was published on April 1st but I’m hoping it’s real. Seems Scott Cowley, an instructor at Arizona State gave his students a BuzzFeed challenge. Total genius. Worth a read.
Somebody once said YouTube is the very arse-end of the Internet. That may be true when you’re high at 2am and can’t find any pizza, but there are bright lights and brilliant minds at work there too. I am loving the Volvo Trucks YouTube channel. No, I’m not high.
BizMarketer is Elizabeth Williams
You can reach me at escwilliams@gmail.com
or follow me on Twitter @bizmkter
Dear valued biz marketing bloggess,
Thank you for the kind words and thoughts. Could you please, from now on, handle my correspondences with suppliers at work, my suppliers at home and all the charities who think I need to hear from them 43 times a year ever since I once gave $10 because the poor kid at the door looked both waterlogged and hungry? The DNC list didn’t seem to be working and a shotgun only helps if you can get within range.
Thanks so much,
Always Grumpy.
Yikes, Elizabeth. You are unusually cranky today. I mean, much crankier than your usual level of crankiness. Borderline angry. Do you have any vacation days coming up? g/
Sadly, I’m on vacation this week. But I have been thinking a lot about how terribly uncoordinated most customer communication is, especially from big companies.
Hey Elizabeth
Love the post and your delightful use of sarcasm and subtlety ;-). This is a wonderful exemplification of today’s excess bombardment from certain zealous firms with a splatter of reality from the recipient side.
Brilliant as always and point we’ll made (I feel quite the same). Only surprise was that I expected you to sign off with “your Excessively Overvalued Customer”
Nice 🙂
Charles