The Slow Elf’s Tale

Gather ‘round, boys and girls and let me tell you about how we did company Christmas, excuse me, Mutli-Denominational Winter Holiday (MDWH) cards in the olden days. You see, kids, it used to be that businesses bought thousands and thousands of MDWH cards, which were labouriously hand-signed and mailed (with a stamp and everything) to their customers, suppliers and partners. Horizontal blinds across the land would be decorated gaily with dozens of MDWH cards in the knowledge that Santa would give more presents to the people with the most cards.

Now just like at the North Pole, the real work is not what happens at Christmas but the months and months of work before. The corporate version of Santa’s workshop is the Corporate Communications Department. Sometimes it’s the Marketing Department. In either case, it’s the elf who didn’t run away fast enough when the MDWH card catalogues arrived in September.

These catalogues were just like Amazon only on paper. They had pictures of all the pretty cards and all the available inoffensive interior messages. So the Slow Elf who got stuck with ordering the cards would go from Corporate Overlord to Corporate Overlord asking “which card will we send and what will it say inside?”  All through the last warm days of September and the crisp mornings of October, the Slow Elf would ask for an answer. As the last of the pumpkins was smashing on the sidewalk and the weather turned ever colder, the Slow Elf would begin hanging out by the parking elevator begging. “Please, my lords, please make a decision so I can order the cards in time”.  But even as the winds blew stronger and the auditors began warming their hands over the paper shredders, there was no answer.

Finally, in desperation, the Slow Elf would select a MDWH card that was neither too religious nor too shiny; neither too friendly nor too aloof; a card with Season’s Greetings in 27 languages and a lovely horse on the front. And just as the fax machine hummed out a confirmation that the order had gone in, there would be the puff of white smoke and the dull thud of a Decision.

A Decision that had little to do with horses and languages and everything to do with somebody’s spouse sitting on the board of directors of something that raises funds with MDWH cards. As the Slow Elf would make the phone call to cancel the first order and a second call to put a rush on the new order, she would think to herself, “one day we will send beautiful, original, meaningful greetings through the air instead of on paper and all this will be someone else’s fuc*ing problem”.

Well, kids. We now know that just because we can send lovely original meaningful things electronically doesn’t necessarily mean we should. I spent much of this morning clearing out the holiday e-greetings from the outside world and came to the conclusion that they fall roughly into five categories.

We Laughed so Hard we Peed
I have quite a few of these homemade video cards from people I don’t know very well. If you are going to drink too much gin and make silly videos full of inside jokes, please resist the urge to send them to people from whom you hope to extract money in the future. This one, while clever, is more than a minute and a half long and feels much, much longer.

 This one is also long and has shaky home video of someone’s kids.

Hint: if your e-card takes longer to consume than a paper version, it’s too long. And leave your kids on the family card where they belong; they’re just not as cute as you think.

Our Greeting is Sooooo Clever, They Won’t  Mind the Sales Pitch
Actually, we do mind the sales pitch. Either send me a genuine greeting  or send me a pitch but don’t insult me or the MDWH with penguins and offers. Like the company that sent this email, promising goodies and surprises…

…but actually gave me testimonials and product descriptions

Or this email that started out well enough with a clever little animation…

…but ended with this:

Hint: if your MDWH greeting has a call to action that does not involve peace on earth, you have not done it properly.

Screw Clever, It’s Practically Year-End
Really? The most creative thing you can think of is to send crappy email solicitations with Seasons Greetings in the subject line? Fire your agency.

Being, um, nice to strangers
How many paper cards do you receive from complete strangers? How many of your personal holiday greetings are set aside to send to people who don’t know you? Exactly. That’s why it is wrong to send electronic greetings, no matter how sincere, to people you don’t know and whose names you have purchased. Also it pretty much guarantees they won’t buy from you because you are creepy. Like these people:

Something Meaningful
And then we have the folks who get it right. The ones who send a simple message to people they know and who know them back. They don’t sell anything, they don’t make us look at their kids, they don’t insult our intelligence or waste our time. They say thank you for the business, have a nice holiday and our office is closed so stop whining. It’s like something out of Dickens. Check out this simple greeting:

or

Or this one where a worthy cause is highlighted

Marketo sent this delightful diversion, which makes no effort to sell but amuses briefly and subtly reinforces their value proposition.

Or this fun message that’s more than a static image. It’s playful, slightly irreverent, sent by someone I know and not insulting on any level unless you’ve tried my mother’s fruit cake.

BizMarketer is written by Elizabeth Williams
I help organizations build their brands through great conversations with employees and customers

Drop me a line at ewilliams(at)candlerchase.com
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